So....No one is perfect...

What goals?  Apparently, I forgot about them this week.  Maybe, 4 is too many for me to handle at this point in time.  That was not meant to sound as negative as it looks.  Life happens.  That is a fact.

This week is going to be a tough one fore me as well as far as working at mini goals.  There is a lot of thinking on the docket for this week.  This is personally and professionally.

Goal for the month of November: I will find an organization to join.  This will be an organization that meets my personal needs to help bring balance to my life.

Goal for the week: I will re-read chapter one of Unlimited. 

My re-cap of last week is that I ran 2 times, journaled once, and forgot about everything else.  Oops.  Like I said, life happens.

Week in Review and Looking Forward

How did I do this week....

• I will lose 3” from my total body measurements from this morning. I lost 1.25",  That was about 42% of my goal
• I will take my vitamins daily.  I took them 5 out of 7 days for a percent of 71%.  I think 70% is successful.
• I will exercise for 180 minutes.  I did not log minutes.  I know I did 90...
• I will log my food for 5 days.  I did not log food either. 

I can't say that I tried terribly hard this week.  There are a few things that happened this week that I think are positive for my journey to be healthy.  

The biggest thing that I think is a big step in the right direction for me is that I started 5K training again.  I have committed to myself to not take any shortcuts this time around.  I am committing to myself that I will continue to run races to keep myself going.  I felt really good about my first run.  The route I took was the perfect distance for the time.  I started and ended at the door to our townhouse.  I rocked the second run.  I ran the same route and had to go around my block 1 more time.


I had two other things come to fruition for me.  One was inspiration I get from various sources.  Friends, family, and blogs to name a few.  I have friends who inspire me by doing and friends and family who inspire me by believing in me.  Belief in me a HUGE inspiration and motivation.  I had a friend run a marathon this week end.  She ran 26.2 miles.  You can read her re-cap here: http://motivationalmom2.blogspot.com/.  3 1/2 years ago she was miserable from being overweight and today (well this week), she is running freaking marathons.  


The second part of this motivation comes from trying to break down the walls I have built around myself that inhibit me from sticking with my goals.  I don't really know what they are, but they are there.  I can feel them.  Biggest Loser watchers know what I am talking about.  The most successful contestants seem to have this break through on the show.  This breakdown is something I have been yearning for.  The feeling of pain to get me to heal.  One of the trainers even said that this week to one of the contestants.  I believe there is so much truth there.  Until I can deal with my demons I don't think I can properly heal into a healthy person.  The next steps in my journey is to figure out what these demons are and how to overcome them.  What can I do to bring the old April back and "feel the fear and do it anyway" and "dance like no one is watching".


With this new outlook comes new goals.

• I will journal on paper or on this blog 3 more times this week.  The goal of this journalling is to overcome what is holding me back.   
• I will create a list of 10 positive things that happen to me this week.
• I will stick to the C25K training plan of 3 running sessions and 3 other work out sessions.
• I will take my vitamins everyday.

Actividay

I got back in the saddle running shoes today.  I decided to start up Couch to 5K again.  I think that is the only way I am going to lose weight and keep it off.  Yes, I don't really like running.  With my limited options at this point, I am going to have to suck it up and run.  I started at W1D1 and it went pretty well.  The weather was beautiful, and Dazie was way too excited to run.  I think tomorrow calls for a walk of reteaching her "Heil". 

After our walk/run, I took my daughters to Zoo Boom.  A walk around the zoo + carrying around my 33 pound daughter.  There was a lot of squats and lifting of treat buckets too.  They had music playing through out the zoo, so we shook our booties too.  I was really impressed with the quality of the Zoo Boo.  I think the girls got two pieces of candy total.  Otherwise it was granola bars, fruit leather, crayons, flashcards, and GC for meals at localish restaurants.  I am so glad that I decided to take the girls there instead of trick or treating in the neighborhood.  It is less to worry about.

I must go, the bath is calling my name :)

Week in Review

My goals from last week are:

• I will lose 3".  I lost 1 ½”.  It is 50% of my goal, but it is progress in the right direction.
• I will exercise for a total of 180 minutes.  I logged 150 minutes of exercise.  It is 83.33% of my goal, and I consider that met. 
• I will log all of my food for 5 days. 0% of my goal.  I am up for suggestions to get me to do this.  I have tried using on app on my phone or writing it in my planner in the past.  I have stuck to neither…

My goals for this week are:

• I will lose 3” from my total body measurements from this morning.
• I will take my vitamins daily.
• I will exercise for 180 minutes.
• I will log my food for 5 days.

I am trying to come up with reasons to support my case to my wonderful husband to get a YMCA membership:

• The kids can take swim lessons year round.
• There are also other sports opportunities through out the year.
• Fitness classes.  To take through community ed, it would cost $45 to take 6 classes that are offered 1x a week.  That is $7.50 a class.  The Y would cost 28.75 a week for a FAMILY membership with unlimited visits.  I would much rather work out in a group of people than by myself.
• Social outlet for me. 
• Costs the same as his habit.

I talked to DH this week about being more positive.  I feel like he doesn’t want to get it and how the inner April works.

The other longer term goals I mentioned last week are supported by my weekly goals.  I notice I am drinking more water thanks to the water cooler at work. 

Positivity Journal: 10 good things from last week

1. I made good progress on 2/3 of my weekly goals.
2. I started taking probiotics.
3. I have come up with a plan to get better.
4. We got a family membership to the children’s museum.  The kids have gone 3x already.
5. We went to the pumpkin patch and corn maze.  We made it through the corn maze before a grown family.
6. We went out to dinner as a family and the girls were so well behaved.
7. I got more unpacking done.
8. I am getting rid of clutter to GW.
9. I laughed a lot.
10. Less stuff is bothering me.

Hiatus no more.

Obviously, I have taken a break from my healthy lifestyle.  I have gone back further than where I started from over a year ago.  There are many reasons for this, but I don't want to get into them right now.  The important thing is that I am back on the wagon.  Here are the things I hope to do:

1. Take my measurements weekly.  I did this, this morning and will continue to do it on Tuesday mornings.  I hope to update weekly on how the inches I lose each week.
2. I really want to join the YMCA.  With relocating and a new job I am not sure we can financially afford this anytime soon.  They have a big membership drive going on.  My goal is to take steps to help allow us to have a family membership.
3. Help my DH understand what I need from him as far as support.  This is him being more positive, learning how to shop and cook more healthful foods, and continue to be the husband and father he is now.
4. Eat breakfast everyday.
5. Log everything I put in my mouth.
6. Drink more water.
7. Exercise 6 days a week.  Incorporate strength training.
8. Set weekly goals. 

My goals this week are:

• I will lose 3".
• I will exercise for a total of 180 minutes.
• I will log all of my food for 5 days.

W/O 8/15 Goals

This week I am going to stick to my goals.  I need to buckle down about this journey I am on.  My goals for the week (which will run Monday - Sunday) are:

1. I will eat 5 small balanced meals a day.

2.  I will drink 64 oz of water a day.

3. I will exercise for at least 10 minutes a day.  I will do the exercises my chiropractor gave me and add to them 5 days a week. 

Because I believe everything I read on the internet...

ETA: Disclaimer - some of this is harsh.  You may or may not agree with everything I have written.  This is about improving myself.  The first step to fixing a problem is admitting the problem.   I have a lot of things that are broken...

Today, I was cruising around the world wide web.  I found a couple of articles on Yahoo! that really summed me up.  The first one was 5 habits holding you back....um....yeah, so of the five bad habits listed I have 3 of them and 1/2 of two of them.  Here is the article:  http://shine.yahoo.com/event/poweryourfuture/5-habits-holding-you-back-and-how-to-change-them-2515577/

The first one is - I procrastinate.  I have been called out on this by one (perhaps more) of my college professors.  She knew the reason, too.  This article called out the same reason.  Perfectionism.  I am afraid my work is not going to be good enough.  I fear that I won't live up to someones expectations.  Worse yet, I have myself convinced that I work better under pressure.  Looking at my reflection in the mirror I know that is not true.  The stress and pressure have added to my waistline.  Seriously, how much of this can I blame on my back to back pregnancies and lack of time to eat right and exercise? Buehler?  Buehler?  Anyone?

The second one is I shop myself into bankruptcy.  This is only partly true.  I am guilty of rewarding myself when we don't necessarily of the the funds to do so.  I make small purchases and justify it as a reward (I worked hard and deserve it) and $5 here or $10 here really add up when you look at your budget holistically for a year.

Third, I binge when I see the goal in site.  I binged so much I gained 5 more pounds than I lost.  I think the author is onto something about being paranoid (paranoid is my take on what the author is trying to communicate) about what others think of me.  Are they jealous of my success, do they seriously think I look good, I am still fat, along with a lot of other really negative self talk. 

Fourth, I am habitually late.  This one really burns me.  Out of all of my flaws this one gets to me the worst.  Yes, I blame my tardiness on my chaotic lifestyle.  Two preschoolers, full time job, insomnia, blah, blah, blah.  Do you want to hear my other excuses?  You probably have already heard it, if you know me.

Lastly, I pick fights with my partner.  I count this as half true.  I think my hubs is just as guilty of this as I am.  I have to laugh that they call out being afraid of commitment.  Yes, I am married and afraid of commitment.  My husband is fully aware of this too.

I know I have PLENTY of room for self improvement.  What can I do to get over these bad habits?  (que the crickets chirping)  (Just kidding about the crickets).  The article did offer some good insight.  And, because I believe everything I read on the internet I will try some of these.  Hopefully, I can get over my anxieties and fears to be a better person.  Here are things I will try to get over myself...

1. Visualize the worst case scenario when I catch myself procrastinating.  By realizing that the worst case scenario will most likely never happen and things can be worse than they actually are, I will stomp out the fear of letting some one down.  BTW, I am more afraid of letting some one else down rather than myself.

2. Partake in healthy activities like exercise or doing something with the stuff I already have.  Assess what I have and consider if I really need anything else.  You know, I bet it would feel amazing to get rid of some of the stuff in the garage that has been in boxes since, um, for a very long time.  I know the work isn't appealing, but it does need to get done.  I know this is a big digression - but have you heard of the book, "Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat?"  Well I am sure this clutter is attributing to my weight struggle.

3. Hello April!  I love you.  You are amazing.  Live your healthy life, and give a rats patutie what others think of you.  You know you do awesome things.  Besides you are the best mommy ever.  Ask Meadow and Lily - they will tell you.  Love, April  XOXOXO

4. I am just going to copy and paste this directly, because I can't say it better myself (now praying that I don't get fired, but it is the truth)  "Make up your mind. Be clear about what you want. "If it's a career issue, ask yourself if your interest in your job is waning," says Kathryn Cramer, PhD, author of Change the Way You See Everything Through Asset-Based Thinking. "Being late is a way of disconnecting. This can be a warning that it's time to take stock and either recommit yourself or make a change." Bonus hint: Be proactive and adjust your actions or attitude rather than wait to get canned. You're always better off controlling events instead of waiting for them to control you."  This is going to take some work and a lot of effort on my part.  Why, because I have a great manager.  I don't want to let her down (see #1), but I need more out of my job.  I am afraid to have this conversation with her, but I do have my review coming up...

5. This hints at having unhealthy relationships or expectations in the relationship along with fearing that my partner may see me as a phony.  The truth is that I have changed since having children.  Slowly the April he met and fell in love with is coming back.  We all need to be patient here.  A run in with PPD is a huge cause of this, and I have come along way.  I need to see things from his perspective too.

The other article was on how to become a morning person.  If you know me, you know I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.  If you have ever had to wake me up in the morning and you are not my cell phone, I am sorry for any pain I may have inflicted on you...That is another thing I want to work on, but as you see I have a lot going on here.  I don't want to overwhelm myself.

Playground Safety and the Obesity Epidemic

http://shine.yahoo.com/event/summertimefun/have-playgrounds-become-too-safe-for-kids-2513862/  This article got me wondering if having too safe of playground equipment is what is helping our kids become obese.  One school district banned running on the playground?  Swing and see saws banned due to moving parts.  Don’t these people coming up with these strict playground rules remember playing on the playground as a kid?  I remember swinging, pumping my legs, and propelling myself off the swing to see if I could out fly my friends.   I never got seriously injured.  My two friends did not get injured.  Sometimes you would land hard and have to shake it off, but nothing was broken.

My brother broke his collar bone playing football in elementary school.  The kid who tackled him admitted to intentionally tackling him to hurt him.  My bro did make the TD though :)

It's all in the details...Visualization

Create a Realistic Vision
I haven't posted on Chapter 2's Working It Out from Unlimited, because I am really struggling with my vision.  It feels overwhelming, because there is so much change that needs to happen to create my vision.  I am creating my vision based on the resources I have available to me now.  In my vision is: I am happy, I am active, I am enjoying a healthy lifestyle. 

Be Specific/Feel It/Sense It
I enjoy shopping at stores and buying clothes for myself.  I am active with my family.  I feel like an athlete.  I am happy, content, and well.  I always have a smile on my face and it is not forced.  I have fun in all I do.  We eat as a family and eat healthful foods.  My husband and I realize food is fuel for our bodies.

Get Excited About the Process
I can see myself being happy once I get used to the new lifestyle.  I will have to pump myself up until I get back into habit of the healthy lifestyle.

More on motivation

My husband's favorite quote to me when I am down on myself about my health regime is "JUST DO IT!"  I have been very unmotivated lately.  My brain is fried by time I come home and I just want to veg out.  I do things that are not good for me - mainly sitting on my tush on-line. 

I have a friend who is in awesome shape.  I know it did not happen overnight for her, so why should I expect the same of myself?  She has a blog.  On Tuesdays she has a tip of the day.  Today's tip was to make a plan and stick to it.

I  can come up with plans like you wouldn’t believe.  Carrying them out is another thing.  I plan my meals for the week.  I even write it on the calendar on the fridge.  Rarely, do I stick to it.  I even started putting out my work out schedule on the same calendar.  I have not followed it at all. 

Today I got an e-mail from a dear friend.  She saw something that made her think of me.  It was a quote on a facebook page she likes – Simply Positive.  The quote is, “I can, I will, I am _____”.  The point is to fill in the blank with something positive.  Right now, the best word to fill in the blank for me is motivated.  My mantra for the day is “I can, I will, I am motivated.”  After all, what you think about you bring about.  I will continue to think I am healthy and soon I will be healthy.

Whirlwind vacay

Vacations are a good thing.  Especially, when you can truly relax.  What I find relaxing may be completely different from what you find relaxing.  The painful part of a vacation for me is returning to reality.  I just took a 4 day week end to spend time with my in-laws.  This morning was probably one of the most painful mornings ever.  I did not even have to get my daughters ready, they stayed behind with Amma.  I had a hard time getting out of bed.  I knew this would happen, so I penned in my day planner to run after work.  Besides, Dazie was still at the doggy motel this morning, so I would have felt guilty running without my running partner J

I sat at work struggling to stay awake.  I know deep down that moving will help me with my energy level.   During break I read an article on preventing running injuries.  It was all about stretching!  Two of the injuries I have experienced.  When I read about a new to me stretch that should be done to counter plantar factious, I did it in my office.  After doing toe scrunches, I noticed my energy level climb.  “If moving my toes could make such an improvement, what would a bigger stretch to a bigger area do to my energy level?”  I got down on all fours and did some cat and cow poses.  Not only did it feel good, it dramatically helped my energy level!

I know you are wondering what I did to relax that was so draining.  I ran part of a 5K race (made a wrong turn),  jet ski-ed, went boating, socialized with family, ate, stayed up late, consumed a lot of alcohol, and spent a lot of time in the car on the way home.  There was more too.  There was a bridal shower.  And I can’t forget the 2^nd annual scavenger hunt.  The scavenger hunt took me up and down a boat load of stairs twice, sprinting around my in-laws house, on my hands and knees looking for clues, and to be the first person to find the coveted fish!  My partner was the future bride, and this was her 2^nd year of winning the fish!  I was a sweaty hot mess.

I honestly tried to run tonight.  Things did not work out that way :( My four-legged running buddy isn't feeling well and it is storming.  It gave me an opportunity to do yoga, which I think my body is craving.

Some reflection

In reading my post from yesterday, I have come up with a couple of conclusions on myself.  I am sure that is what the purpose of the exercise anyway.

1.  I am good at doing stuff for others and not for myself.
2. I really care what others think of me, and look to others for validation.  This needs to stop.
3. I need to figure out what I want out of life - personally and professionally.
a.  Then, I need to figure out how to get myself there.

I was talking to a co-worker today.  I was telling her that I used to be a dreamer (anyone who has known me most of my life can vouch for that).  I had dreams and a clear vision of how to achieve those dreams.  I got off track.  I am in the process of questioning how I got off track.  I don't think dreaming is a bad thing at all.  It is part of my authentic self.

Now to figure out how to get myself back on track!

Identify Your Passion

Right now, I really want to rip myself apart, but I know it is not productive.  I tried to exercise out my frustration, but only got frustrated at my limitations (Dear legs, I stretched you out pre-run, the least you could do is carry me through the whole 30 minutes.  30 minutes is.not.that.long. Sincerely, April).  Today, I got some bad personal news.  I don't even know what it means yet.  It just wasn't what I wanted to hear.  It makes me wonder if I am good enough at anything.

That is a good starting point - what am I good at?
-Parenting
-Taking care of my dog
-Bartending (in my former life)
-Cooking

Things I enjoy:
-Scrapbooking
-Dancing
-Socializing

In a previous post I mentioned I am reading, Jillian Michaels's book Unlimited.   I did make it through the first chapter.  Jillian finished the chapter with some self reflection. 

"Do you like the structure and resources of a corporate environment or do you prefer a more casual, intimate setting?"  I would like to find a happy medium.  Having worked in both environments, there are things I like about both.  I don't mind having regularly scheduled productive meetings.  I like working with smaller teams, because I feel there is less politics.  I do like the benefit of a diverse team, though.

"Are you more comfortable with physical labor or sitting at a desk?"  Again, I want to find a happy medium.  I don't like sitting at my desk all day, but I don't think I would be comfortable doing 8 hours of physical labor.  I am thinking a factory setting here.

"Have you enjoyed giving back to the community in a particular way?"  I haven't done any community service since I have moved to this town.  I am really not sure what I would want to get involved with here.  I do know that I want get the girls involved in something.  We have been talking about giving there unwanted stuff to other children who don't have toys or clothes that fit.

"What is your favorite thing in the world to do?"  Right now, scrapbooking.  Depending on my mood, that may change.

"Did you like drama class in college or some other pursuit that you've since abandoned?"  I took a class on fabric design.  I really enjoyed it.  I wish I could have pursued that once I graduated.  I did have a job out of college similar, it just wasn't a good fit.

"In your ideal day what do you picture yourself doing?" Sleeping in, going to a gym, working with a trainer, going to a spa, then going shopping or to dinner and a movie.

"Do you like the independence of working alone or the collaboration of working as part of a team?"  I do get and see value of working with a team with diverse skills and experiences.  I enjoy working alone.

"Are you good at scientific pursuits or are you more of a creative type?"  Definitely more creative.

"What beliefs are you most passionate about?"  The public education system and healthcare.  I hate that the U.S. stance on these is so far behind other countries. 

"Have you ever wanted to try something crazy?  Or have you ever wanted to take something less crazy"  I am having a hard time thinking of the things I wanted to try.  Deep down I really want to travel.  I want to experience other regions of the globe.

Getting High

Have you ever had a high last 16 hours?  I did.  I got a nice dose of endorphins from Zumba.  All I did was the beginners tutorial, warm up, and cool down.  My arms were sore.  By the end of my work out I was smiling.  I was alone and smiling.  I was having fun - enjoying myself for the first time in along time.  I found an exercise I enjoy. 

New beginning

Ecc 7:8TNIV "the end of the matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride"

I am not particularly religious, but this quote spoke to me.  I have a definite problem sticking with any healthy lifestyle regime.  I don’t know why.  I am giving myself 1 month to figure out why.  Afterall, admitting there is a problem is the first step in solving it, and you can’t solve a problem unless you know the cause…well most of the time anyway.

By July 18, 2011 I will understand why I feel like I never finish anything.  I will set a plan in motion to prevent myself from quitting in my journey to achieve a healthy lifestyle. 

In my previous post I mentioned that I am reading Jillian Michael’s, Unlimited.  I hope this book to be a tool to help me regain myself back.  Since getting married and having kids I have lost myself.  I do feel that is part of the problem I have in that I haven’t achieved my health and fitness goals.  The other part is the resources I have available or not available.  I have the ability to exercise at home, and as long as the weather is nice I can go from runs, walks, bike rides outside.  I would like to take fitness classes, but there is no real gym with fitness classes here.  I do have DVDs, but they just aren’t as fun or motivating to me.  

Here is to a new beginning with a better ending.  I am swallowing my pride and pursuing the journey with patience.    

What the?

Do you ever think about doing something little or making a small purchase forever?  You go back and forth to determine if you really need to.  I did this with Jillian Michaels' book, Unlimited.  Deep down I felt I needed the book, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to spend he money.  Seriously, the book was under $20.  I kept trying to talk myself out of it.  I am wondering what I am so afraid of the book uncovering.

I have only read the introduction and first two pages of chapter one.  I have realized that my brain is programmed with B.S.  The B.S. is that I can be happy doing exactly what others expect of me.  No wonder, I have not come close to achieving happiness or the wellness I have been seeking.  This is my WTH? moment.  Now, I am excited to continue reading the book and discovering my true self and seeking the path to wellness.

I may need a GPS for this

This week I started working on a road map for my journey.  I thought my journey was just about getting exercise and eating healthfully.  In the research I am doing I am finding that it is about so much more.  My original longterm goal was to be healthy, but I need balance too.  I need to find my sense of self.  That has been my biggest frustration the past 3-4 years.  Aftter becoming a mother of two I lost who I was.  Why should I be identified strictly as one of my daughter's mom?  It is fine in daycare, ballet class or school settings.  Things that are about my children.

That is where I got off my course - when I let myself go completely to the three other people in my family.  I am really having a struggle reclaiming myself. 

Now, I need to tackle keeping myself accountable.  Friday is going to be my reporting day.  Tomorrow is my first day.  I am optimistic.  There are things I could do better, but also I put forth more effort than I have since this summer.

Onto my goals for the week.
1. I will strength train 2x this week.
2. I will drink 64 oz of water everyday.
3. I will have fun at the ballet recital.

ROAD map

I didn't really set New Years Resolutions, but I want to get my act together.  I have been combing through all sorts of information on whow to stick to your NYR.  Earlier I posted my vision, goals, obstacles, etc.  I haven't really looked at it since.  I thought I would try a different format - a road map.

Sleep

I have read a lot of studies saying how important sleep is for weightloss.  Today, I had a realization of why that is.  Although, I must admit my findings are not scientific, but make perfect sense to me.  Last night I got 4 hours of sleep.  I love nights where I can sleep 8.  I feel really good after 8 hours of sleep. 

Anyway, the lack of sleep affecting my healthy lifestyle negatively in these ways:
1. I slept through the time I had scheduled for myself to work out :(
2. I kept snacking all day on unhealthy snacks.  My sleep deprived brain gave into my cravings for sweets and carbs. 

I now understand the value of sleep on several different levels.  Now to get my children to understand the value of sleep..