My Bravery

My inspiration today (yesterday) is a song. Music tends to get me through just about anything; happy, sad, excited, frustrated.  I have heard this song a few times, and I realized, today, (maybe yesterday depending on when I get around to posting this) that this song is what I wish and hope of everyone. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4

The song didn't get me up and moving, but it got me to reflect on the last 2 months of my life, the last 6 months of my life, the past year of my life, and the past almost two years.  Since I graduated college, my life took on many significant changes, with the changes coming often and quickly.  I truly embraced change in my younger days (I know some of you will say, that I am not that old), but as time has gone on I have adapted several fears.

Yesterday, I had to deal with my fear of heights walking up some stairs.  It was very windy and I was with my two daughters.  I was shaking, but I had to be brave for my daughters.  I don't want to see them growing up with irrational fears.  I haven't always been afraid of heights, but it has gotten worse as I get older.

 Sucking it up, being brave (after all, the girls made it up the stairs before I did), and ignoring myself literally shaking in my boots I got to enjoy this view.

Here is me being really brave, and putting it out there:

In the past 10 years, I have really lost myself.  Lost touch with who I am.  I am not saying that it was 10 years ago exactly, but I changed.  It was not consciously.  I wanted to climb the corporate ladder and I was in love with a man.  At one point, I had no desire to get married and have children.  But it changed somewhere in there.  I got married.  I had children.  And, as a people pleaser, I let go of who I was to keep those around me happy.  Or so I thought it was making/keeping them happy.

In doing this I sacrificed so much of who I am.  I stopped doing the things I love and taking care of myself.   My fears evolved.  Walls went up.  I didn't recognize who I was anymore.  I believe those around me, who love me, saw the evolution as well.  No one, directly told me that I had lost myself.

I remember one of my aunts talking to me about how I didn't seem as confident as I once was.  We couldn't really put our finger on the cause.  We both chalked it up to being laid off.  But I had so much to look forward to...I had just secured a new job, and was about to get married.  I think that is the first time I felt like I had lost part of myself.  I used to be ambitious, goal oriented, happy, excitable.  Those are all the traits I want back!  What made me realize that I need to get this person back, is my peer mentor at work.  She is a former college classmate of mine.  She told me her first impression (and still holds true to her) is my passion for my industry.  She was impressed with it when we were in college, and she still sees it from when I started in June.

With the weight loss, it opened my eyes to exactly how much of myself I have lost.  It took a series of unfortunate events to make me realize, how lost I am.  I lost my zest for life.  I am sure this is the zest that the man fell in love with.

I realized there were things holding me back in life.  The unknown (which used to excite me) caused me fear.  I was scared to be healthy, to be thinner, to be truly happy again.  I am worthy of happiness (which took a lot of convincing).  But, to achieve this happiness I had to do a lot of things that held me back with fear.  What would it mean to eat healthier?  What would it do to my family if I exercised more?  What if I fail?  What if I cannot maintain? 

I made changes slowly, so I could more easily support my healthy lifestyle.  I made over my kitchen, my schedule, and who I surrounded myself with.

I hit my goal weight.  I started spending time with someone who didn't live by the same health guidelines as I had been.  But, because of who I am - I gave up on myself again to try to make my new friend happier (which I failed at miserably)...I gained some of the weight back.  And the friendship is in flux.

I have come to the realization that with out passion, you there isn't much depth to life.  I am now sitting here, wondering what is it exactly that I am passionate about...Seeing my kids grow up.  But what outside of that!?  My career with a company I love.  But there has to be more to life than that, right?  What is going to get me out of bed when the girls are grown and out of the house and it is a Saturday?  My goals, my hopes, my dreams and aspirations and becoming the April I was several years ago.

Two random things: today, my co-worker and Weight Watchers buddy called me her "Weight Watchers Godmother", because I am always there guiding her through the program.  When she told me that, I realized that now that I am "out there" with my weight loss how I am afraid to fail at this, and let the people I inspire down...(although she did say she would not judge me if she saw me holding a donut...unless it was from the cafeteria downstairs).

Brave is beyond saying what you want to say.  It goes beyond to doing what you want to do.  Most of the time, the hardest part is taking the first step.  You don't have to take a big first step.  You can dip your toe in.  Whatever you say or do, I want to see you be brave.  Do something today that scares you.  I have done a lot that scares me in the past 2 years.  In the last few months I have really put myself out there...more so than I did the previous 10 years.

Improvement is Inspiring

This week I decided to train to run a 5K.  I thought Thanksgiving morning would be adequate enough target.  Still looking for a race, though.  I narrowed it down from three to two...

Three running work outs, and I am already seeing improvements.
Week 1 Day 1:













Week 1 Day 2:


Week 1 Day 3:


It really helps me stay inspired to see how my results are improving.  Keep in mind this includes warm up and cool down.  The walk/run ratio is 1.5:1.   I am doing it on the treadmill, so I can control my speed.  I try to go up .1 from the previous training. 

My running partner is getting old, so I don't want to tax her too much.  I can tell she is starting to get stiff in her back hips, but she does not let on that it is bothering her.  She recently turned 10 and refuses to act her age.  She is hyper and anxious, and usually happy to be on a leash next to me...except when she sees a rabbit or another dog...

Recap Update Repeat

Recap: 5/23/2013 - I hit a major milestone in my adult life.  I hit my goal weight.  This is the smallest I have been in my adult life.  I weighed in at 150.

Update: Fast forward to now.  I have gained 10 pounds.  Life threw me for a loop in the past 4ish months.  So many things changed for me in the past three and a half months. I thought it would be easier at my "goal weight" to navigate through all the changes - a move, a new job (longer commute, different hours), and other major life changes. What I really learned, is you need to keep with it.  You can't abandon what is working for you and expect nothing to change.  You don't suddenly become an expert or resilient to weight gain, because you have reached your goal weight.  You still have to work your new lifestyle.  You still have to plan in your new lifestyle.  You still have to accept failure in your new lifestyle.

So here I am, standing up, and brushing myself off.  Here is me putting one foot in front of the other and changing the way I have lived for the past 3 months.  Here is me getting back in-touch with good habits I abandoned.

Today, I tracked food and exercise for the first time in a long time ( I would say a coon's age, but I don't know if everyone knows what that means...or I could say since way back in the day...but it really hasn't been that long).
Today, I exercised for the first time in 4 months.
Today, I set goals for myself.

1. I will run a 5K around Thanksgiving.  (Readers, any suggestions on how to pick a race?  There are three in the running.  They are all at the same time, so it is not like I can say...I am going to do all three.)
2. I will lose 20 pounds by 1/1/2014. (Thanks to a dear friend for thinking and encouraging me to try to lose 10 more beyond my original goal).
3.  I will track my food and exercise everyday this week.
4. Weekly, I will plan my meals. (No more using convenience as a reason to not pack a lunch or cook dinner at home!)

I will do my best to keep you updated and me accountable.

Du da da da

5/23/2013 - I hit a major milestone in my adult life.  I hit my goal weight.  This is the smallest I have been in my adult life.

Bringing out the Swiffer

It has been awhile.  You all know my commitment to writing...

Brief recap of the past month or two.

• hit goal weight
• moved 20 minutes away
• started a new job
• fell off the healthy wagon...

So, what can I do?  Do what I do fairly well, get up, dust myself off, and get back at it.  What will I be doing to accomplish this?

• Plan out meals weeklyish
• Complete the 30 day challenge I set for myself
• Track food
• Track exercise

So what is the challenge?  It is a few challenges I saw on Pinterest combined:

April's Guns,	Buns,	and Ab	challenge
	Push ups	Plank	Squats	Leg Lifts	Dips	Supermans
1	5	10s	50	25	5	25
2	5	12s	55	30	5	30
3	7	15s	60	35	7	35
4	7	Rest	Rest	40	7	40
5	8	20s	70	45	8	45
6	9	25s	75	50	9	50
7	Rest	30s	80	55	Rest	55
8	8	Rest	Rest	60	8	60
9	9	35s	100	Rest	9	Rest
10	10	38s	105	65	10	65
11	10	42s	110	75	10	75
12	12	Rest	Rest	80	12	80
13	12	50s	130	85	12	85
14	Rest	55s	135	90	Rest	90
15	13	60s	140	95	13	95
16	15	Rest	Rest	100	15	100
17	16	65s	150	Rest	16	Rest
18	16	70s	155	100	16	100
19	19	75s	160	50	19	50
20	21	Rest	Rest	60	21	60
21	Rest	80s	180	70	Rest	70
22	23	85s	185	75	23	75
23	26	90s	190	80	26	80
24	28	Rest	Rest	85	28	85
25	30	95s	220	Rest	30	Rest
26	32	100s	225	80	32	80
27	34	110s	230	85	34	85
28	36	Rest	Rest	90	36	90
29	38	115s	240	95	38	95
30	40	120s	250	100	40	100

I did day 1 tonight.  I started with a 20 minute walk/run warm up.  I really did forget how good it feels to sweat and release all the toxins that have building up.  Now to lose those 3-5 pounds I gained....