Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Because I believe everything I read on the internet...

ETA: Disclaimer - some of this is harsh.  You may or may not agree with everything I have written.  This is about improving myself.  The first step to fixing a problem is admitting the problem.   I have a lot of things that are broken...

Today, I was cruising around the world wide web.  I found a couple of articles on Yahoo! that really summed me up.  The first one was 5 habits holding you, so of the five bad habits listed I have 3 of them and 1/2 of two of them.  Here is the article:

The first one is - I procrastinate.  I have been called out on this by one (perhaps more) of my college professors.  She knew the reason, too.  This article called out the same reason.  Perfectionism.  I am afraid my work is not going to be good enough.  I fear that I won't live up to someones expectations.  Worse yet, I have myself convinced that I work better under pressure.  Looking at my reflection in the mirror I know that is not true.  The stress and pressure have added to my waistline.  Seriously, how much of this can I blame on my back to back pregnancies and lack of time to eat right and exercise? Buehler?  Buehler?  Anyone?

The second one is I shop myself into bankruptcy.  This is only partly true.  I am guilty of rewarding myself when we don't necessarily of the the funds to do so.  I make small purchases and justify it as a reward (I worked hard and deserve it) and $5 here or $10 here really add up when you look at your budget holistically for a year.

Third, I binge when I see the goal in site.  I binged so much I gained 5 more pounds than I lost.  I think the author is onto something about being paranoid (paranoid is my take on what the author is trying to communicate) about what others think of me.  Are they jealous of my success, do they seriously think I look good, I am still fat, along with a lot of other really negative self talk. 

Fourth, I am habitually late.  This one really burns me.  Out of all of my flaws this one gets to me the worst.  Yes, I blame my tardiness on my chaotic lifestyle.  Two preschoolers, full time job, insomnia, blah, blah, blah.  Do you want to hear my other excuses?  You probably have already heard it, if you know me.

Lastly, I pick fights with my partner.  I count this as half true.  I think my hubs is just as guilty of this as I am.  I have to laugh that they call out being afraid of commitment.  Yes, I am married and afraid of commitment.  My husband is fully aware of this too.

I know I have PLENTY of room for self improvement.  What can I do to get over these bad habits?  (que the crickets chirping)  (Just kidding about the crickets).  The article did offer some good insight.  And, because I believe everything I read on the internet I will try some of these.  Hopefully, I can get over my anxieties and fears to be a better person.  Here are things I will try to get over myself...

1. Visualize the worst case scenario when I catch myself procrastinating.  By realizing that the worst case scenario will most likely never happen and things can be worse than they actually are, I will stomp out the fear of letting some one down.  BTW, I am more afraid of letting some one else down rather than myself.

2. Partake in healthy activities like exercise or doing something with the stuff I already have.  Assess what I have and consider if I really need anything else.  You know, I bet it would feel amazing to get rid of some of the stuff in the garage that has been in boxes since, um, for a very long time.  I know the work isn't appealing, but it does need to get done.  I know this is a big digression - but have you heard of the book, "Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat?"  Well I am sure this clutter is attributing to my weight struggle.

3. Hello April!  I love you.  You are amazing.  Live your healthy life, and give a rats patutie what others think of you.  You know you do awesome things.  Besides you are the best mommy ever.  Ask Meadow and Lily - they will tell you.  Love, April  XOXOXO

4. I am just going to copy and paste this directly, because I can't say it better myself (now praying that I don't get fired, but it is the truth)  "Make up your mind. Be clear about what you want. "If it's a career issue, ask yourself if your interest in your job is waning," says Kathryn Cramer, PhD, author of Change the Way You See Everything Through Asset-Based Thinking. "Being late is a way of disconnecting. This can be a warning that it's time to take stock and either recommit yourself or make a change." Bonus hint: Be proactive and adjust your actions or attitude rather than wait to get canned. You're always better off controlling events instead of waiting for them to control you."  This is going to take some work and a lot of effort on my part.  Why, because I have a great manager.  I don't want to let her down (see #1), but I need more out of my job.  I am afraid to have this conversation with her, but I do have my review coming up...

5. This hints at having unhealthy relationships or expectations in the relationship along with fearing that my partner may see me as a phony.  The truth is that I have changed since having children.  Slowly the April he met and fell in love with is coming back.  We all need to be patient here.  A run in with PPD is a huge cause of this, and I have come along way.  I need to see things from his perspective too.

The other article was on how to become a morning person.  If you know me, you know I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.  If you have ever had to wake me up in the morning and you are not my cell phone, I am sorry for any pain I may have inflicted on you...That is another thing I want to work on, but as you see I have a lot going on here.  I don't want to overwhelm myself.

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