Some reflection

In reading my post from yesterday, I have come up with a couple of conclusions on myself.  I am sure that is what the purpose of the exercise anyway.

1.  I am good at doing stuff for others and not for myself.
2. I really care what others think of me, and look to others for validation.  This needs to stop.
3. I need to figure out what I want out of life - personally and professionally.
a.  Then, I need to figure out how to get myself there.

I was talking to a co-worker today.  I was telling her that I used to be a dreamer (anyone who has known me most of my life can vouch for that).  I had dreams and a clear vision of how to achieve those dreams.  I got off track.  I am in the process of questioning how I got off track.  I don't think dreaming is a bad thing at all.  It is part of my authentic self.

Now to figure out how to get myself back on track!

Identify Your Passion

Right now, I really want to rip myself apart, but I know it is not productive.  I tried to exercise out my frustration, but only got frustrated at my limitations (Dear legs, I stretched you out pre-run, the least you could do is carry me through the whole 30 minutes.  30 minutes is.not.that.long. Sincerely, April).  Today, I got some bad personal news.  I don't even know what it means yet.  It just wasn't what I wanted to hear.  It makes me wonder if I am good enough at anything.

That is a good starting point - what am I good at?
-Parenting
-Taking care of my dog
-Bartending (in my former life)
-Cooking

Things I enjoy:
-Scrapbooking
-Dancing
-Socializing

In a previous post I mentioned I am reading, Jillian Michaels's book Unlimited.   I did make it through the first chapter.  Jillian finished the chapter with some self reflection. 

"Do you like the structure and resources of a corporate environment or do you prefer a more casual, intimate setting?"  I would like to find a happy medium.  Having worked in both environments, there are things I like about both.  I don't mind having regularly scheduled productive meetings.  I like working with smaller teams, because I feel there is less politics.  I do like the benefit of a diverse team, though.

"Are you more comfortable with physical labor or sitting at a desk?"  Again, I want to find a happy medium.  I don't like sitting at my desk all day, but I don't think I would be comfortable doing 8 hours of physical labor.  I am thinking a factory setting here.

"Have you enjoyed giving back to the community in a particular way?"  I haven't done any community service since I have moved to this town.  I am really not sure what I would want to get involved with here.  I do know that I want get the girls involved in something.  We have been talking about giving there unwanted stuff to other children who don't have toys or clothes that fit.

"What is your favorite thing in the world to do?"  Right now, scrapbooking.  Depending on my mood, that may change.

"Did you like drama class in college or some other pursuit that you've since abandoned?"  I took a class on fabric design.  I really enjoyed it.  I wish I could have pursued that once I graduated.  I did have a job out of college similar, it just wasn't a good fit.

"In your ideal day what do you picture yourself doing?" Sleeping in, going to a gym, working with a trainer, going to a spa, then going shopping or to dinner and a movie.

"Do you like the independence of working alone or the collaboration of working as part of a team?"  I do get and see value of working with a team with diverse skills and experiences.  I enjoy working alone.

"Are you good at scientific pursuits or are you more of a creative type?"  Definitely more creative.

"What beliefs are you most passionate about?"  The public education system and healthcare.  I hate that the U.S. stance on these is so far behind other countries. 

"Have you ever wanted to try something crazy?  Or have you ever wanted to take something less crazy"  I am having a hard time thinking of the things I wanted to try.  Deep down I really want to travel.  I want to experience other regions of the globe.

Getting High

Have you ever had a high last 16 hours?  I did.  I got a nice dose of endorphins from Zumba.  All I did was the beginners tutorial, warm up, and cool down.  My arms were sore.  By the end of my work out I was smiling.  I was alone and smiling.  I was having fun - enjoying myself for the first time in along time.  I found an exercise I enjoy. 

New beginning

Ecc 7:8TNIV "the end of the matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride"

I am not particularly religious, but this quote spoke to me.  I have a definite problem sticking with any healthy lifestyle regime.  I don’t know why.  I am giving myself 1 month to figure out why.  Afterall, admitting there is a problem is the first step in solving it, and you can’t solve a problem unless you know the cause…well most of the time anyway.

By July 18, 2011 I will understand why I feel like I never finish anything.  I will set a plan in motion to prevent myself from quitting in my journey to achieve a healthy lifestyle. 

In my previous post I mentioned that I am reading Jillian Michael’s, Unlimited.  I hope this book to be a tool to help me regain myself back.  Since getting married and having kids I have lost myself.  I do feel that is part of the problem I have in that I haven’t achieved my health and fitness goals.  The other part is the resources I have available or not available.  I have the ability to exercise at home, and as long as the weather is nice I can go from runs, walks, bike rides outside.  I would like to take fitness classes, but there is no real gym with fitness classes here.  I do have DVDs, but they just aren’t as fun or motivating to me.  

Here is to a new beginning with a better ending.  I am swallowing my pride and pursuing the journey with patience.    

What the?

Do you ever think about doing something little or making a small purchase forever?  You go back and forth to determine if you really need to.  I did this with Jillian Michaels' book, Unlimited.  Deep down I felt I needed the book, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to spend he money.  Seriously, the book was under $20.  I kept trying to talk myself out of it.  I am wondering what I am so afraid of the book uncovering.

I have only read the introduction and first two pages of chapter one.  I have realized that my brain is programmed with B.S.  The B.S. is that I can be happy doing exactly what others expect of me.  No wonder, I have not come close to achieving happiness or the wellness I have been seeking.  This is my WTH? moment.  Now, I am excited to continue reading the book and discovering my true self and seeking the path to wellness.